Nothing buzzes with anticipation quite like the promise of “girls’ night.” While time with “the guys” is certainly valuable and rewarding, there is something inherently sacred and unparalleled about time reserved with just the girls. Indeed, magic happens when we make a point of coming together to unite as one, surrounding ourselves with shared experiences and decades of knowledge and perspective. With girls’ night the conversations, common understanding, and drinks are endless. With girls’ night there is no threat of synchronizing schedules, coordinating mutual interests, or worrying that everyone else is happy. With girls’ night, anything is possible.
With Mother’s Day rapidly approaching Sunday, I cannot help but feel a deep sense of gratitude for my favorite participant of “girls’ night”—the incredible female role model I am lucky enough to call Mom. My mom has shaped me in countless ways.[1] She has been my biggest cheerleader in life, lifted me up when I’ve needed extra support, and laughed with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Mom has encouraged me to pursue my passions, explore new things, and ultimately realize my voice. She has taught me never to apologize for who I am, and, through her love and example, she has empowered me to appreciate what women are capable of and recognize that we should all strive for something more.
Not only is she my role model, but mom and I are also the best of friends. This was the case all throughout my childhood—miraculously I managed to escape the teenage years of loathing my mom with my whole being—but our relationship has only solidified in my adulthood and blossomed into something authentic and beautiful. A couple of years ago I stumbled across this magnet, and it immediately spoke to me as the epitome for our relationship. With time, I came to recognize while we would always be connected by blood, we were friends by choice. And that was special.
I recently finished Michelle Obama’s Becoming[2], and it resonates with me on a plurality of levels. Michelle’s story is an inspiring one—she grew up of modest means on the Southside of Chicago, worked hard in school, was accepted to Princeton, worked hard in school, was accepted to Harvard Law, worked hard in school, earned a spot at a top-tier law firm, and then continued to diligently plod ahead and forge her future in a world fraught with obstacles. As her life progressed, Michelle realized she yearned for something more than what firm life could offer, and she set off to explore other ways of being before making an intentional transition to a series of varied roles that would eventually lead her to be the Vice President for Community and External Affairs at the University of Chicago.
While Michelle’s hard-earned pedigree is certainly impressive, the former First Lady humbly and reflectively recognizes she could not have succeeded in this capacity merely of her own volition. Indeed, Michelle argues she is not inherently talented or special; rather, she was surrounded by a strong community—particularly a strong community of women—that consistently believed in her, fought for her, and lifted her up. It was these women, Michele argues—her mother, great aunt, college friends, coworkers, and professional mentors—that gave her the opportunity to see what life could be—what she could be. It was the strong women in her life that made all the difference, and to this day Michelle continues to be a devoted advocate for women and a fierce defender of the power of female relationships.
So often women are taught to judge one another and view other women as competitors, but it does not have to be this way. What if we reframed this context so that women became allies and advocates for one another instead of rivals and critics? What if women built one another up instead of tearing each other down? Michelle Obama acknowledges this frequently untapped potential of strong female bonds and writes, “Sometimes we can’t do this alone, and we shouldn’t have to. I relied on my girlfriends to get me through the hardest eight years of my life. We have to remember to be that for each other. We have to be each other’s light. We cannot get into that catty stuff. We have to find a way to continue to lift other women up in our worlds and in our lives as much as possible. It is the only reason why I’m breathing. I couldn’t have gotten through raising my kids with a husband traveling without my girls.”
Consider the untapped possibility if we restructured our popular societal ways of thinking and tapped into the power that is girl power.
The bond between women is special in a way few other relationships can match. While true friendships are rare, my relationships with the women in my life are built on the foundation of unwavering confidence and mutual support. While these friendships are few and far between, they are profound and deeply moving. As Michelle Obama puts it, “Friendships between women, as any woman will tell you, are built of a thousand small kindnesses… swapped back and forth and over again.” Anything is possible when women truly work in tandem with one another—when there exists an unassuming expectation of mutuality and reciprocity that empowers all parties involved.
From one’s decision to travel to surprise me at my Master’s graduation ceremony to another’s desire to fly to Tucson despite her limited graduate school budget so we could spend a few days together in the sun, my girlfriends’ love and commitment never ceases to astound me. Perhaps most significant are the infrequent yet meaningful conversations we have on the phone. Harried by the fast pace and unrelenting ticking of time, my friends and I aren’t always able to communicate as frequently as we would prefer. However, each time we hop on the phone and talk “long distance”—whether from Chicago, Florida, Nebraska, California, or Washington D.C.—the miles quickly fade away, and we fall into the familiar cadence of our friendship picking up right where we left off. It is this warm familiarity, this low maintenance love and understanding, that makes me truly value and appreciate the women in my life. Separated by geography, time changes, and exploding schedules, even when we aren’t able to physically be there for one another, we are still there, and this makes all the difference.
Perhaps even more humbling is the power and potential that comes with women supporting other women even without the luxury of having a pre-established relationship. As I continue to grow in my professional life I have been inspired and filled with gratitude by the increasing number of women who are willing to give of their time, talents, and treasures to meet, offer their services as a mentor and sounding board, and welcome me into their larger networks. Grateful, I recently thanked one woman profusely for her time and guidance as our conversation came to a close. Without making a fuss, she simply shrugged and responded, “It’s no big deal; you’re quite welcome. I know you will do the same and pay it forward some day.” And I will. This is the foundation on which we as women thrive; this is our greatest power and asset: The desire and ability to lift one another up. “A thousand small kindnesses… swapped back and forth and over again…”
In her epilogue, Michelle Obama reflects on her life thus far and anticipates the hopeful possibility of the future. She considers everything and everyone that has shaped her to “become” the woman she is today and muses, “For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end.”
To all the women in my life who have buoyed me with a momentum that continues to propel me forward and empower me to shape and reshape myself in endless ways: Thank you.
And to my mother, who is the foundation for everything, my model for the hope and potential of what can be: Happy Mother’s Day.
“Thank you” will never be enough.
[1] In fact, she has shaped me so decidedly Cam often (fondly) refers to me as “mini me.” As in a miniature version of my mom. Enough said.
[2] As the official release date was November 2018, I know I’m a day late and a dollar short. However, if you haven’t read Becoming then you absolutely should. I listened to it as an audio book, and hearing Michelle narrate her story moved me in ways I did not expect. Add it to your list ASAP: You won’t regret it!
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