Red alert, red alert: DEFCON 1! Raquel was NOT— I repeat NOT—at Zumba Friday! Instead we had a—gasp!—sub. Granted, I myself haven’t been at Zumba for the last two weeks, so I guess Raquel’s absence is somewhat permissible, but she must know how devastating her absence is: How am I supposed to get my “mango tango” on sans Raquel? Impossible.
Showing up two minutes before the start of class, the sub, Carmen[1], did not set a strong precedent for herself. However, when she finally did enter the workout room in her purple leggings, camo army hat, and clear ownership of sass, my opinion of her quickly changed. This Carmen might not be so bad. And, as I saw her greet several of the “regulars[2]” with cheery enthusiasm and aplomb, I felt a reassuring calm before the Zumba storm. This was going to be okay[3].
After she queued the warm-up music, Carmen made a point of coming around to each of the club members to ask if we have “Zumba-ed” before. Oh yeah, I have Zumba-ed. I found her personalized “check-in” to be quite attentive and refreshing: Despite her initial setback of not being Raquel, Carmen was earning some serious brownie points. I was ready to dance!
Our first warm-up dance went well: I liked the song, I applauded Carmen’s zealous enthusiasm, and I was in my usual “crazy corner” with two of my Spanish “mamís.” Things were going well. Yes, Carmen was checking herself out in the mirror a bit excessively and making odd facial expressions, but she was bound to discontinue the repetitive selfie-like posing during the next couple of songs, right?
WRONG. So very, very wrong.
After three songs I became acutely aware of two immutable facts regarding my Zumba fate: 1) All of the songs for the session were going to be in Spanish. No compromises: Comprendo? 2) Despite its distracting nature, Carmen would prove persistent in employing her not-so-vast arsenal of “I am Zumba teacher, hear me roar!” facial expressions. Despite my best efforts, I cannot fathom putting these expressions into words without the help of some serious selfie action myself[4]…
Carmen move #1: TONGUE (and lots of it)
You know, that tantalizing “Look at me! I have my tongue out so I must be sexy![5]” pose. I’m sorry, but last time I checked tongues are for washing mass quantities of food down your slippery gullet—and nothing else. When did tongues become synonymous with sex appeal? Oh right, I forgot: because this is clearly sexy…
Shudder. Why do this many pictures like this exist? And this is just the tip of the Miley-and-her-tongue iceberg. I feel like I need to go take a shower.
While I will concede it took several forms, Carmen was all about that tongue action. In a bad way. As a Zumba instructor, you want to be known for your fierce booty and the way you can break that thing down[6]: If all I can focus on is the instructor’s tongue, then A) she either has an extremely tiny behind, or B) she should know she’s clearly doing something wrong. I have never seen a tongue contort itself in such myriad ways before: it clearly wanted to escape right from her mouth! Can you blame it?
Carmen move #2: “Oops! I just[7]…messed up and have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m still sexy” face
I hate, hate, hate when girls make this face. You know it well: the “I have to pretend I am intellectually inferior so I don’t hurt your stupid man feelings” face. Own your mistakes, woman! …If they even are mistakes to begin with! Get this: Carmen was posing this way when she wasn’t even making mistakes! Because that makes sense! Nothing says “I am your fearless Zumba leader: Follow me!” like that incredulous, dumbfounded look that should only be reserved for babies and SpongeBob.
Carmen move #3: Fish lips/sexy[8] pouty face
I am all for being a sassy, confident individual, but, ladies where did the fish-inspired mean mug come from? Fish ≠ sexy. Fish lips really ≠ sexy. Regardless of the answer, I implore you: MAKE IT STOP! Nothing says, “I feel spicy and empowered to shake my Zumba moneymaker” quite like fish lips… I am clearly missing something. Raquel would never stoop so low[9].
Now, as a teacher, I want to clarify that I do my fair share of acting. Admittedly, while teaching, I regularly put on my “teaching persona,” and as soon as my students enter the classroom “teacher Katie” takes the stage. Naturally, there is a fair amount of role-play, acting, and repetition that goes into an adopted persona any time you are presenting to or leading a group of people. From that perspective, I totally understand what Carmen was doing—in that moment, she was “Zumba Carmen,” and apparently Zumba Carmen’s persona does a lot of tongue-sticking-out and “Ooh! I’m so sexy[10]” facing it up. I get it, Carmen: You do you, chica! But why does it have to be so excessive? I’m talking Miley-Cryus-tongue sort of excessive. Girl, keep that pink slimy thing in your mouth: You are making me blush! (Or maybe that’s just indigestion). To be fair, I did warn you with DEFCON 1…
To exacerbate the comedic effect of this Zumba train wreck, during a particularly gyration-heavy song Carmen frivolously pranced around the room, tongue sloshing in and out of her mouth like an intoxicated giraffe, and made a point of “jokingly” going behind each lady in class and enthusiastically grabbing her butt. Now, Raquel does her fair share of audience participation: She isn’t shy and is known to get down and playfully “work it “and shake her junk in your general direction. Note: General direction. Carmen, however, took it a little too far: She giddily approached each individual woman and enthusiastically air cupped (and squeezed) their behinds[11]—all while combining the trifecta of terrifying faces: Tongue, “Oops! I just… messed up and have no idea what I’m doing!” face, and fish lips/sexy pouty face.
Let’s just say things got real weird real fast.
And I wasn’t the only one to think so: My Spanish mamís were in equal disbelief and clear discomfort[12] as Carmen approached each of them and “worked her magic…”? It was so absurd I literally burst out laughing. And this wasn’t just any old laughter; specifically it was that unstoppable thunderous roar type of outbreak that you know is entirely inappropriate and outrageous and yet have no physical power of stopping… Yeah, that was me. Luckily, if nothing else, my hysterical antics at least dissuaded Carmen from attempting her shenanigans in my direction. Ladies around the world, take note: Laughter can be a powerful defense mechanism.
I can confidently assert that was the weirdest Zumba class I have ever been to. However, to Carmen’s credit, I now have an even deeper appreciation and loyalty to Raquel. It just goes to prove you don’t know how good you have it until some foreign Zumba chick comes in with her tongue to paint a very clearly and humbling picture of gratitude. Thank you, Carmen, for this valuable life lesson. Raquel, please come back soon! Or at least before I am drowned in a flood of Carmen’s saliva[13]. Until then, Zumba on and rest assured that, just like Mushu…
[1] Not her real name.
[2] Let me specify here that Carmen, like many of the “regulars,” is Latina. That being said, like any good Latina would, she greeted these Zumba-ready ladies with “dos besos” (two kisses), one on each cheek, and immediately bombarded them with a series of personal questions in Spanish. I’m pretty sure she even slapped one of the younger ladies on the tooshie as part of her beso-laden greeting. That should have been my fair warning that the class would predominantly consist of Latin hip-hop and reggae with a barrage of eccentric body gestures and movements. The besos: I should have know!
[3] Shh! Don’t tell Raquel I said that!
[4] The Starbucks baristas were TOTALLY judging me for this, FYI. FOR NARNIA THE BLOG!
[5] I mean, come on, don’t I look soo sexy here?!
[6] You go, Raquel! Own that booty!
[7] …Farted. What?! Who said that?!
[8] You will notice that I am using this term loosely…
[9] Clarification: Actually, she would, but she would have the booty to back it up!
[10] Not to be confused with the equally popular “Ooh! I just pooped!” face… Never mind, who are we kidding: These expressions are one in the same.
[11] Which, oddly enough, reminded me of the one time I went to “Club Feve” as an undergrad—on “Feverween” of all nights. While Cam and I dressed up as Carl and Russell from UP! (how the bouncer let us in with Cam’s tennis ball cane and my bouquet of balloons is still beyond me…), my single friend and fellow RA Tara dressed up as a bunch of grapes. Her strategic costume choice was this: If the balloons don’t scream, “No, I don’t want to dance” and keep the creepy townie men away, then nothing will. Her point was well taken. Grapes: Who knew?!
[12] Part of this might have to do with the fact that they were clearly drenched by Carmen’s ferocious, splatter-inducing tongue gyration. Her tongue was a miniature version of Niagara Falls: water was everywhere! She can really “whip and nae nae” that pink thing!
[13] …*sexy saliva.
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